The George Orwell Schadenfreude Show

It's not meant to be polite to mock the afflicted but there is a certain forbidden pleasure to be gained from pointing and laughing at the misfortune of those who truly deserve it. Just think of the absurd moral outrage of people who actually believe anything they read in the Daily Mail or the acute outbreaks of foot-in-mouth disease that accompany Nick Griffin when speaking in the presence of human beings. The Germans have a fine word for it: Schadenfreude.

Such an opportunity at public sneering is now upon us with the start of the new series of Celebrity Big Brother. Named after the unseen crushing authoritarian state of 1984, it can't be as George Orwell had envisioned things. In fact it's a great deal closer to Nigel Kneale's Year of the Sex Olympics in which the mass audience cheers with delight as the psychotic house-mates slaughter each other.

In fact, the celebrity version of Big Brother started innocently enough with a week long fund raiser for Comic Relief featuring the likes of Jack Dee, Claire Sweeney and Keith Duffy - not exactly A-listers but established stars who were prepared to put themselves out for a good cause. All very laudable. However, the publicity created for those that took part proved to be golden. In particular Jack Dee, a long time popular face on the comedy circuit; became, overnight, a household name - the sort that even your granny would know. Other, less scrupulous celebs would take note and, thus, the modern celebrity freak show was born.

Now, I wouldn't normally watch Big Brother and its ilk at all. I'm not just being snobbish here - I really don't find the format in the slightest bit entertaining. It could be - Channel 4 used to do a fascinating late-night discussion show called After Dark in which a group of invited guests would debate a topic in a free-form, open-ended and entirely unscripted format. It was TV gold, mainly because participants had something of interest to say, but Big Brother is just dull beyond belief. However, I find myself drawn to the opening night of Big Brother just out of curiosity of whose career has seriously gone down the toilet. Schadenfreude, my friends. Schadenfreude.

So who do we have for this final circus sideshow:

Stephen Baldwin - I remember him from The Usual Suspects. I wonder what he has done since? Drink, drugs, religion and bankruptcy, apparently. I wonder why he wants to do it?

Nicola Tappenden - A glamour model, i.e. she gets her tits oot fur the lads. I'm guessing that exhibitionism is her modus operandi.

Alex Reid - A cross-dressing cage fighter. At least that sounds interesting - the hard-case Eddie Izzard.

Stephanie Beacham - Ooh! A proper actress. One I've seen and heard of and everything. She's writing an autobiography - nice bit of publicity there!

Lady Sovereign - No, I've never heard of her either. She is signed to Def Jam records - home of The Beastie Boys, Kanye West and Slayer. Just because one uses Twitter does not make one Stephen Fry.

Sisqó - An American R&B singer who has seemingly achieved sod all in this country over the last ten years.

Dane Bowers - An English R&B singer who has seemingly achieved sod all in this country over the last ten years.

Heidi Fleiss - A Hollywood based prostitute and pimp.

Jonas Altberg - You may have heard of him as Basshunter - you probably wish you hadn't heard him at all.

Katia Ivanova - Is celebrated for shagging one of the Rolling Stones. This would be of entertainment value only if it was one of the dead ones. I can't tell as they all look like they belong in a George A Romero movie.

Vinnie Jones - You have to admire Vinnie Jones. His talents as an actor are quite limited - mainly he plays Vinnie Jones. But he has managed to mingle quite happily with Hollywood A-listers who would not recognise a good actor even if they were slapped in the face by one - which I suspect Vinnie is quite capable of. Prior to that he managed to convince a succession of coaches in to believing he was a football player - although he fitted in to the Leeds United team quite well with his perfectly timed late-tackles. He gives me the impression of being a complete psychopath and it wouldn't surprise me if he ended up eating one of the less popular housemates.

And so that's that. Morbid curiosity sated. I feel quite dirty now. Time to read Animal Farm once more...