The newly revamped Top Gear launched on Sunday night. I like Top Gear. I like cars and driving in general, even if I do find them both entertaining and appalling at the same time, and Top Gear has always struck me the same light: entertaining nonsense that no-one, least the presenters, should take that seriously. I have to say that recent series had started to get a bit stale and the humour was getting a little forced so it was due for a bit of a Spring clean.
I actually didn’t see it on Sunday night. I had an invite to a party which was, frankly, a much better offer. As it was, I ended up watching it last night. So far, I’d say it was a bit of a mixed bag. The format hasn’t actually changed that much but with Chris Evans now fronting the programme it has a certain feel of one of his shows: TFI Friday springs to mind. I’m not sure whether this is the right atmosphere for it as it now feels more like a brashy showbiz event rather than a bunch of blokes gathering together in an old hanger to bugger about with cars. The one good element about this, though, is that Chris Evans is far better at doing the interviews than Clarkson ever was. Jeremy Clarkson had his own chat show once and when he wasn’t doing his own pieces to camera his interviews were pretty dire.
I think the other element I liked was Matt LeBlanc. He never seems to have escaped his Joey persona from Friends and even ended up playing a version of himself as a sort of Joey clone in Episodes. There’s no escape for him: I once saw a Sci Fi film in which he played a space ship captain and all I could think of was that they had let Joey loose on a starship – it didn’t end well. However, I think he will work well in this given time and the Joeyesque affable idiot should be right at home in a daft car-show.
Aside from Chris and Joey we saw a few seconds of Sabine Schmidt (who I was hoping would fit into the girl racer role that Vicki Butler-Henderson once occupied) but what was missing was the banter between the presenters. I suppose these things take time but the features all looked sort-of Top Geary without the daft humour and pratfalls that made the show so popular. However, when the 21st Century version of the show was launched it didn’t work that well either and I think the missing element here is James May.
For what was meant to be a motoring programme, James May was actually the only one who knew anything about how cars worked and his nerdy knowledge, combined with the knowing timing of a professional stooge where what gelled the old team together rather than just being a group of middle-aged car-bores making tacky, risqué comments like adolescent boys goading a supply teacher. He is the same in his other shows: just take the excellent Toy Stories which is both informative and yet infectiously funny at the same time.
I’m going to give Top Gear a bit of time to settle. Chris Evans will have to see what works and what doesn’t and as we were promised several other presenters he may still find his own James May (Eddie Irving, possibly?) The old presenters are producing their own show, The Grand Tour, which I am assuming will take on more of the Top Gear travelogue aspect. I actually have an Amazon Prime subscription so I would be able to watch this but I can’t help but feel that more is actually less as far as motoring shows are concerned?
Tuesday 31 May 2016
Saturday 21 May 2016
Blinking Madness
There used to be a joke that amongst the long list of optional extras when purchasing a BMW automobile was the checkbox “indicators”. It is a rather old stereotype of the arrogant arseholes that used to buy such vehicles as I think there has been something of a change in the demographics of BMW drivers in the last few years. In fact, I often find they are amongst the more courteous of drivers. The arrogant arseholes now all seem to buy Audis.
I’ve hears a few theories of why some people don’t use indicators when driving. I think there is a high level of incompetence amongst many and there is a certain arrogance with some as they suddenly do find the indicator stalk when they end up in the wrong lane and are relying on the good will of others to let them in. I’ve also heard the ostrich mentality of those who don’t think it is appropriate to indicate unless they can see another road user. This could account for the times I’ve had Audi drivers almost running me over at junctions and roundabouts. Fortunately, just because they can’t see me doesn’t mean I can’t see them. I have also been told that many people don’t indicate because they can’t hold a steering wheel and a mobile phone at the same time as flicking the lever and I suspect there is an element of truth in that.
There are far too many clueless people in road vehicles for my liking but what has made things worse in the last few years is not the people driving the cars but the people making them. I can’t quite pinpoint when it started but increasingly cars are being made with indicators that are, to all intents and purposes, invisible. At one time, the indicators on cars were obvious: big amber flashy things at each corner and one stuck on each wing for good measure. Then the car designers got involved and started moving the lights to places where they wouldn’t be expected: rear indicators hidden inside the brake light; front indicators on the inside of the light cluster right next to the headlights; side indicators buried in the wing mirrors.
If it wasn’t bad enough that the indicators where stuck in stupid places, the designers then set about making them as small as humanly possible, and then the brightness of them seems to have been reduced just at the same time that they are starting to compete with daytime running lights. I saw a Mercedes car seemingly change direction without warning this week until I realised that he genuinely was indicating – it’s just that the insipid line of amber LEDs were completely invisible in the sunlight (which admittedly is a rare occurrence around here). The only time one is guaranteed to see all the amber lights flashing is when they are used as mitigation for parking on double yellow lines.
I’m just curious as to what is promoting this outbreak of crap design. There is a tendency for one manufacturer to include a completely useless feature on their products only for all the others to follow suit as otherwise their products will not be able to tick the same boxes of useless widgetary on their specifications sheet. Just think about washing machines. We have a fairly basic model but, in total, there are over 4,000 possible combinations of settings of which we have used about 3. Nobody needs this rubbish and yet the manufacturer feels obliged to include these excess features which serve no purpose other than to eventually go wrong, either resulting in a costly repair or a replacement purchase.
Now car manufacturers have managed to force all end of useless tat on their customers over the years but the sneaking conspiracy theorist in me is wondering if there is a more sinister reason for this. Whilst a broken “mixed synthetics with 800rpm spin, eco-mode, aqua-plus, delayed for 45 minutes” on a washing machine is a damn nuisance, a rear-ended car because someone couldn’t make out a left-turn signal could result in a new car and possibly some argument that all new cars are fitted with radar-activated collision avoidance systems and possibly even driverless capability to overcome the fact that mere humans can no longer operate their useless contraptions. Hmmm… I bet they faked the Moon landings as well…
I’ve hears a few theories of why some people don’t use indicators when driving. I think there is a high level of incompetence amongst many and there is a certain arrogance with some as they suddenly do find the indicator stalk when they end up in the wrong lane and are relying on the good will of others to let them in. I’ve also heard the ostrich mentality of those who don’t think it is appropriate to indicate unless they can see another road user. This could account for the times I’ve had Audi drivers almost running me over at junctions and roundabouts. Fortunately, just because they can’t see me doesn’t mean I can’t see them. I have also been told that many people don’t indicate because they can’t hold a steering wheel and a mobile phone at the same time as flicking the lever and I suspect there is an element of truth in that.
There are far too many clueless people in road vehicles for my liking but what has made things worse in the last few years is not the people driving the cars but the people making them. I can’t quite pinpoint when it started but increasingly cars are being made with indicators that are, to all intents and purposes, invisible. At one time, the indicators on cars were obvious: big amber flashy things at each corner and one stuck on each wing for good measure. Then the car designers got involved and started moving the lights to places where they wouldn’t be expected: rear indicators hidden inside the brake light; front indicators on the inside of the light cluster right next to the headlights; side indicators buried in the wing mirrors.
If it wasn’t bad enough that the indicators where stuck in stupid places, the designers then set about making them as small as humanly possible, and then the brightness of them seems to have been reduced just at the same time that they are starting to compete with daytime running lights. I saw a Mercedes car seemingly change direction without warning this week until I realised that he genuinely was indicating – it’s just that the insipid line of amber LEDs were completely invisible in the sunlight (which admittedly is a rare occurrence around here). The only time one is guaranteed to see all the amber lights flashing is when they are used as mitigation for parking on double yellow lines.
I’m just curious as to what is promoting this outbreak of crap design. There is a tendency for one manufacturer to include a completely useless feature on their products only for all the others to follow suit as otherwise their products will not be able to tick the same boxes of useless widgetary on their specifications sheet. Just think about washing machines. We have a fairly basic model but, in total, there are over 4,000 possible combinations of settings of which we have used about 3. Nobody needs this rubbish and yet the manufacturer feels obliged to include these excess features which serve no purpose other than to eventually go wrong, either resulting in a costly repair or a replacement purchase.
Now car manufacturers have managed to force all end of useless tat on their customers over the years but the sneaking conspiracy theorist in me is wondering if there is a more sinister reason for this. Whilst a broken “mixed synthetics with 800rpm spin, eco-mode, aqua-plus, delayed for 45 minutes” on a washing machine is a damn nuisance, a rear-ended car because someone couldn’t make out a left-turn signal could result in a new car and possibly some argument that all new cars are fitted with radar-activated collision avoidance systems and possibly even driverless capability to overcome the fact that mere humans can no longer operate their useless contraptions. Hmmm… I bet they faked the Moon landings as well…
Sunday 15 May 2016
The Song Remains The Same
Eurovision again… This seems to come around faster and faster each year and, aside from giving me the chance to spend the day slightly inebriated whilst dressing up in the style of Agnetha Fältskog or someone, the show itself still manages to remain strangely entertaining despite the fact that 90% of the songs are complete and utter manufactured crap.
I actually blame the X-factor for this. There are versions of the X-Factor, The Voice or the various “Got Talent” type programmes in most of the European broadcasting nations (for example, the Azerbaijan one is called Özünü Tanit which probably translates as loads in Scrabble). These are all essentially glorified karaoke competitions and the concept of someone developing their own songs and style go out of the window as the talent show sausage machine turns out yet another clone that is high on presentation but low on musical content.
The odd thing is that I still found this all quality entertainment largely because of waiting to see what visual spectacle the stage directors could come up with to make their near identical, dull-as-ditchwater ditty stand out from all the other clones. On occasion this was ingenious (I particularly think the Russian entry was a magical piece of visual trickery) but I think the absolute stand out moment was actually from the Swedish production team that came up with this wonderful, tongue-in-cheek montage of how to write a Eurovision winner:
I suppose even my least favourite element, the voting, was vastly improved. Partly this was because it was much shorter than the past but also because they accumulated all the phone votes at the end so it wasn’t possible to see who won until the final score: which turned out to be the Ukrainian entry with one of the few serious ballads of the night, a song called 1944 (presumably because they weren't allowed to call it F*** You Putin.) Oh well, just another year to wait until we see what sparkly light-show Kiev can put on.
I actually blame the X-factor for this. There are versions of the X-Factor, The Voice or the various “Got Talent” type programmes in most of the European broadcasting nations (for example, the Azerbaijan one is called Özünü Tanit which probably translates as loads in Scrabble). These are all essentially glorified karaoke competitions and the concept of someone developing their own songs and style go out of the window as the talent show sausage machine turns out yet another clone that is high on presentation but low on musical content.
The odd thing is that I still found this all quality entertainment largely because of waiting to see what visual spectacle the stage directors could come up with to make their near identical, dull-as-ditchwater ditty stand out from all the other clones. On occasion this was ingenious (I particularly think the Russian entry was a magical piece of visual trickery) but I think the absolute stand out moment was actually from the Swedish production team that came up with this wonderful, tongue-in-cheek montage of how to write a Eurovision winner:
I suppose even my least favourite element, the voting, was vastly improved. Partly this was because it was much shorter than the past but also because they accumulated all the phone votes at the end so it wasn’t possible to see who won until the final score: which turned out to be the Ukrainian entry with one of the few serious ballads of the night, a song called 1944 (presumably because they weren't allowed to call it F*** You Putin.) Oh well, just another year to wait until we see what sparkly light-show Kiev can put on.
Sunday 8 May 2016
Gig Night
My daughter was performing in concert last night as part of her guitar class. This was at the local bowling club which was packed out as every performer brought along their mum, dad, grandmother, Auntie Aggie and the family dog. This did lead to something of a shortage of seating and I ended up having to bring along an extra wooden stool as well as the guitar flight case for my daughter. Somehow, after all these years, I appear to have been roped into being the roadie again.
When I used to play in bands, I don’t recall ever having roadies as such. In fact, I was usually the one that would have to stay sober as I was driving the van. I did, however, perform such duties for other people as I occasionally recorded them performing live. This would involve setting up all the equipment, setting up an appropriate array of mics and staying sober so that I could operate the mixing deck and drive everyone else home afterwards. In fact I have to say that, in retrospect, my experience of live music performance was probably spoilt to some extent by the possession of a driving license.
For once, I didn’t have to drive to this event as it was near enough (just about) to walk to. I did think that this could mean I could enjoy a drink but as it was I just had a solitary pint of Guinness. It turned out that they were charging “HOW SODDING MUCH!” per can. Yes, not only didn’t it come with change from a banknote (after my daughter’s orange juice was taken into account) but they didn’t even have the stuff on draught. I feel like I’ve been completely widgeted (a new word I have just coined meaning “to be fleeced for bad beer”).
Anyway, the concert went very well and my daughter found her way through Smells Like Teen Spirit, Sunshine Of Your Love, and a Coldplay song (the title of which escapes me) very well. It’s also noticeable how her playing has improved since Christmas when she played Iron Man, Smoke On The Water and a selection of Heavy Metal classic riffs to an appreciative if somewhat bemused selection of elderly women at the local old folks home. I’m not sure what’s next. Maybe I’ll point her in the direction of my Jimi Hendrix albums?
When I used to play in bands, I don’t recall ever having roadies as such. In fact, I was usually the one that would have to stay sober as I was driving the van. I did, however, perform such duties for other people as I occasionally recorded them performing live. This would involve setting up all the equipment, setting up an appropriate array of mics and staying sober so that I could operate the mixing deck and drive everyone else home afterwards. In fact I have to say that, in retrospect, my experience of live music performance was probably spoilt to some extent by the possession of a driving license.
For once, I didn’t have to drive to this event as it was near enough (just about) to walk to. I did think that this could mean I could enjoy a drink but as it was I just had a solitary pint of Guinness. It turned out that they were charging “HOW SODDING MUCH!” per can. Yes, not only didn’t it come with change from a banknote (after my daughter’s orange juice was taken into account) but they didn’t even have the stuff on draught. I feel like I’ve been completely widgeted (a new word I have just coined meaning “to be fleeced for bad beer”).
Anyway, the concert went very well and my daughter found her way through Smells Like Teen Spirit, Sunshine Of Your Love, and a Coldplay song (the title of which escapes me) very well. It’s also noticeable how her playing has improved since Christmas when she played Iron Man, Smoke On The Water and a selection of Heavy Metal classic riffs to an appreciative if somewhat bemused selection of elderly women at the local old folks home. I’m not sure what’s next. Maybe I’ll point her in the direction of my Jimi Hendrix albums?
Sunday 1 May 2016
Owning Up
I was very nearly at Hillsborough stadium on the day of the disaster in April 1989. A collage friend had managed to get tickets for the stands (rather than the terrace where the disaster occurred) and we had planned to travel down on the train from Newcastle where I was living at the time. The problem was that I was meant to be working that evening and getting back to Newcastle from Sheffield was going to be far too tight. I had looked into swapping my shift but in the end decided to let another Liverpool fan go down in the knowledge that my uncle would most likely be able to get me a ticket for the final if they progressed.
I put the radio on but after hearing the match had halted, switched on the television to see what was unfolding. What I could see was beyond belief. In my state of shock I was still getting ready to go out in the evening when the pub manager phoned me and suggested that I stay at home that evening rather than go to work. I’m not sure that helped and I couldn’t bear to stay in my flat all day on Sunday so went to visit two former school friends who were studying in Sunderland at the time. I think we discussed the previous day’s events for about five minutes and then we didn’t for the rest of the day. After a while, we went to the local pub to see if there was any Sunday lunch left.
What happened at Hillsborough was the result of utter incompetence by senior police management. The grounds themselves at that point were inherently unsafe due to ill-conceived alterations over concerns about hooliganism and the fact that aging stadia were built to maximize capacity rather than safety. I had received bruised ribs from being crushed at a match a few years previously so had tended to avoid terraces – at least at capacity games. In that game, stewards had opened gates at the bottom of the terrace to relieve pressure and the police had moved fans to a less crowded area but it is easy to see how less experienced staff could miss that. What appears to have happened at Hillsborough is that those experienced staff had been replaced with essentially incompetent commanders who regarded ordinary football fans as potential trouble makers to be fought and herded. It’s no surprise that this was the same police force that had been effectively used as an irregular militia against striking miners just a few years previously.
Whatever happened on that day happened, and nothing can change that. What I did appreciate this week is that the second Hillsborough inquest did highlight the actions of individual police and ambulance officers who did help; whether through their training, their own initiative or, most probably, their own basic humanity. They tried their best on the day and have been wracked with anguish that they hadn’t been able to do more. They do deserve recognition and I think it actually matches up to my experiences of attending football matches in the 1980s in that most of the police and officials were decent: polite, helpful and professional. I suppose that it is the exception that sticks in the mind: the aggressive arsehole that was a disgrace to their uniform and profession. Unfortunately, it was often the aggressive bullies that seemed to win promotion.
It isn’t the disaster itself that I find hard to forgive but the actions of senior police, government and their media backers in the aftermath that leaves the worst taste in the mouth. Rather than acknowledging that a bad thing had happened and working to make sure that it couldn’t happen again, they decided to blame the fans, not just Liverpool fans but all football fans. They blamed an entire city and an entire class of people for their own failings. They printed lies in the press and repeated them on TV and under oath in court. This was not just isolated individuals or a close conspiracy of a few related individuals but was backed readily by senior police, government and their media puppet masters. The problem for them, though, was quite simple. They didn’t have a single shred of evidence to back their lies. In fact all the evidence pointed to the exact opposite of what they were saying – in other words, the real truth.
For those in authority that have made mistakes it can be difficult to own up. When they do of their own volition rather than having to be interrogated in court I think they should be given credit for this. For those that hide constantly behind a web of lies, using power and favour to maintain this, there should be no way back and there are some individuals I would like to see permanently disbarred from any position of influence British society. I doubt I have to name them but what still seems to remain is the unhealthy alliance between government, media and moneyed interests. They don’t serve the interests of the British people in the slightest.
For years there has been a boycott of The S*n in Liverpool. Personally, I have extended this to any enterprise owned by Rupert Murdoch and have shunned The Times and Sky TV as well. The fact that Murdoch’s papers blanked coverage of the Hillsborough verdict just goes to show that he has learned nothing and will not learn anything until his media interests are forced out of business. Even if we accept that the editor of The S*n was duped into printing police lies in 1989, are we to accept that any journalist would turn down one of the largest scoops in terms of police corruption in the 20th Century? However, I think what we have learned from compulsive liars is that they are incapable of owning up.
I put the radio on but after hearing the match had halted, switched on the television to see what was unfolding. What I could see was beyond belief. In my state of shock I was still getting ready to go out in the evening when the pub manager phoned me and suggested that I stay at home that evening rather than go to work. I’m not sure that helped and I couldn’t bear to stay in my flat all day on Sunday so went to visit two former school friends who were studying in Sunderland at the time. I think we discussed the previous day’s events for about five minutes and then we didn’t for the rest of the day. After a while, we went to the local pub to see if there was any Sunday lunch left.
What happened at Hillsborough was the result of utter incompetence by senior police management. The grounds themselves at that point were inherently unsafe due to ill-conceived alterations over concerns about hooliganism and the fact that aging stadia were built to maximize capacity rather than safety. I had received bruised ribs from being crushed at a match a few years previously so had tended to avoid terraces – at least at capacity games. In that game, stewards had opened gates at the bottom of the terrace to relieve pressure and the police had moved fans to a less crowded area but it is easy to see how less experienced staff could miss that. What appears to have happened at Hillsborough is that those experienced staff had been replaced with essentially incompetent commanders who regarded ordinary football fans as potential trouble makers to be fought and herded. It’s no surprise that this was the same police force that had been effectively used as an irregular militia against striking miners just a few years previously.
Whatever happened on that day happened, and nothing can change that. What I did appreciate this week is that the second Hillsborough inquest did highlight the actions of individual police and ambulance officers who did help; whether through their training, their own initiative or, most probably, their own basic humanity. They tried their best on the day and have been wracked with anguish that they hadn’t been able to do more. They do deserve recognition and I think it actually matches up to my experiences of attending football matches in the 1980s in that most of the police and officials were decent: polite, helpful and professional. I suppose that it is the exception that sticks in the mind: the aggressive arsehole that was a disgrace to their uniform and profession. Unfortunately, it was often the aggressive bullies that seemed to win promotion.
It isn’t the disaster itself that I find hard to forgive but the actions of senior police, government and their media backers in the aftermath that leaves the worst taste in the mouth. Rather than acknowledging that a bad thing had happened and working to make sure that it couldn’t happen again, they decided to blame the fans, not just Liverpool fans but all football fans. They blamed an entire city and an entire class of people for their own failings. They printed lies in the press and repeated them on TV and under oath in court. This was not just isolated individuals or a close conspiracy of a few related individuals but was backed readily by senior police, government and their media puppet masters. The problem for them, though, was quite simple. They didn’t have a single shred of evidence to back their lies. In fact all the evidence pointed to the exact opposite of what they were saying – in other words, the real truth.
Oh what a tangled web we weave,The fact that it has taken 27 years for the full inquest to complete is astonishing and points to a level of corruption in the upper echelons of British society that is difficult to comprehend. It has also shown that by remaining united and determined that such corruption can be exposed. The families of those killed never gave up. The fans of Liverpool and other football clubs never gave up. The people of the city of Liverpool never gave up and those that were prepared fight for them have proven their true worth. In particular, some of the revelations that Andy Burnham has made have shown breath-taking arrogance by those who have tried to prevent justice but he stuck with the families and forced the truth out.
When first we practise to deceive!
- Sir Walter Scott
For those in authority that have made mistakes it can be difficult to own up. When they do of their own volition rather than having to be interrogated in court I think they should be given credit for this. For those that hide constantly behind a web of lies, using power and favour to maintain this, there should be no way back and there are some individuals I would like to see permanently disbarred from any position of influence British society. I doubt I have to name them but what still seems to remain is the unhealthy alliance between government, media and moneyed interests. They don’t serve the interests of the British people in the slightest.
For years there has been a boycott of The S*n in Liverpool. Personally, I have extended this to any enterprise owned by Rupert Murdoch and have shunned The Times and Sky TV as well. The fact that Murdoch’s papers blanked coverage of the Hillsborough verdict just goes to show that he has learned nothing and will not learn anything until his media interests are forced out of business. Even if we accept that the editor of The S*n was duped into printing police lies in 1989, are we to accept that any journalist would turn down one of the largest scoops in terms of police corruption in the 20th Century? However, I think what we have learned from compulsive liars is that they are incapable of owning up.
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