Boadicea's Chariot.

I wouldn't regard myself as being the best driver on the road; far from it. In fact, I've managed to do some pretty stupid things over the years - reversing into bollards, scraping alloy wheels, occasionally totally misjudging roundabouts with inevitable comic effect and a seeming total inability to parallel park a right hand drive car. At best, I'd say I was average, but I try to stick to the speed limits, keep my distance and not put anyone else in danger. I suppose the main difference between me and the other bad drivers is that I am aware of my short-comings. If I do something a bit daft it is down to genuine ineptitude rather than arrogant recklessness or wanton stupidity. However, since I've been working in Livingston and driving down the A-roads I've started to see some pretty awful driving. In the past I've been able to stick to the left hand lane and pootle about, minding my own business; now I have to deal with mindlessly crap drivers. However, I have become quite good at spotting them in advance.

Generally, there are three main classes of crap driver. The first category is the Boy Racer. These are easily spotted by the tasteless and tacky body kit which they attach to their rust bucket old hatchback. Typical modifications are a loud exhaust which demonstrates just how badly tuned the engine is, a huge and pointless plastic spoiler, a WMD sound system, blacked out windows, a lowered suspension combined with fat tyres and alloy wheels that are far too big for the wheel arches. A small minority will actually have a genuine performance car; either a Subaru Impreza or Mitsubishi Evo. Boy racers are probably the most frightening of crap drivers as they are, statistically, the most likely to have a crash and, if they do, they are least likely to have valid insurance. This is because they insured their car as the 1.0 litre Vauxhall Corsa it actually is and didn't mention all the plastic rubbish they attached to the bodywork or, if they have a genuinely fast car, they will have insured it with Auntie Aggie as the main driver. The other possibility is that they don't have any insurance at all as they blew their budget on the WMD sound system.

The second class of crap driver is White Van Man. In fact, many white van men are actually boy racers as well - it's just that they have access to their company's white van during the day. Now, it's worth pointing out that most white vans are driven perfectly safely - probably because they are self-employed people who will actually suffer the losses if they crash the thing and are without transport. The problem seems to be when it's the firm's van and it goes much faster than the 1.0 litre Corsa that they adorned with plastic rubbish. Unfortunately, the vans are much more top heavy then the Corsa and this can lead to entertaining moments as Boy Wonder tries to overtake on the brow of a hill.

Crap driver class three is that old favourite, the Company Car Driver. These come in two varieties. The first will be driving a newish Ford Mondeo or Vauxhall Vectra; a decent enough vehicle but not one that anyone in their right mind is going to buy new when they can be had for a third of the price 24 months down the line. The second variety is the user-chooser. This is where the company forgoes buying a full fleet and lets company car man pick their own - and it doesn't take long to work out that a bottom of the range Audi A4 or BMW 3-series can be had for the same cost as a mid range Mundaneo. The end result is the same. They aren't so much bad drivers as far too fast. They tend to confuse the speed limit with the sound barrier; which is one thing on the motorway but quite another on the A roads when they discover that a bottom of the range 3-series actually doesn't accelerate that fast. I can actually sympathise with them a bit as I used to have to drive as part of my job and the line managers will calculate travelling time by dividing the distance to be travelled by the national speed limit. It's actually impossible to achieve without driving like a lunatic or, as I did, telling my boss to go to Hell and getting another job.

The one thing you may have noticed so far is that all the crap drivers are male. In the 1970's, women driver jokes where the staple of stand up comedians' routines; along with mother-in-law gags and rather uninformed opinions about people from Pakistan. You would think that women were completely hopeless but, as the insurance actuaries worked out, women drivers were amongst the safest on the road; they may have had the odd altercation with a car park bollard but they seldom embedded themselves at high speed into trees. The odd thing is, over the last couple of years I've been seeing a new sort of crap driver - and they seem to be female.

The first category of this new class of crap driver can be seen in a fashionable small car like a MINI or FIAT 500; or perhaps in one of the small entry level luxury cars like a Mercedes CLC (what's the point?) or BMW 1-series (really, what is the point?). The other category is slightly older and is trying for the "Yummy-Mummy" image (I assume that is the politically correct term for MILF) and can be seen, with one small child on board, driving a Chrysler Voyager or one of the 4X4 off-road vehicles that don't work off-road (e.g. BMW X5 - I mean, seriously, really, what is the point?) The driving style is the same: blinded by huge sun-glasses (even when it is dark) with one hand vaguely on the steering wheel and the other permanently holding a mobile phone to their ear; completely oblivious to their surroundings and not realising that 6 feet is not a safe stopping distance whilst tailgating at 70 BLEEDING MILES AN HOUR! The thing is that crap drivers always seem to be attracted to the same sort of cars. If I was an insurer and a young lady wanted to insure a MINI Cooper, I wouldn't touch them with a barge poll. Surely the actuaries are going to notice this trend?

Maybe it's just my prejudices but it wouldn't surprise me if some young Boadiceas are going to be in for a shock when it's time to insure the chariot.