Swans

Have you ever wondered what swan tastes like? I must admit, it's not something I've ever seen on sale at the local supermarket (unless LIDL have had it in as a special) but it is something I've considered purely on the basis that I have never been able to work out the point of swans. Just like nettles and midges, they are one of those species of living things that I am normally quite happy to be graced by their absence. If one ever gets anywhere near me they just take the chance to hiss, attack me and generally be obnoxious.

So, let's get this right. Swans are bastards. Some people go fawning over them as if they are some great majestic beast but, if I go to feed the birds at the local pond, swans are the last thing I want to see. I don't mind any of the other birds. I like ducks. Ducks are happy amusing creatures with a class A sarcastic laugh if anyone falls in the water. I can even tolerate the occasional pigeon or seagull which seem to cause vexing to many others. But swans are just bad-tempered, hulking, great, evil-minded beasts of the highest order.

So why are swans so lauded? Some say they are beautiful but this is also said of super-models. As far as I can tell they are both peculiar looking elongated birds of dubious mental capacity. They seem to be a common feature of popular culture. The Ugly Duckling is a fine example but then I suppose most of Hans Christian Andersen's stories have a miserable ending. They are a major feature of Tchaikovsky's Swan Lake which is some justification, but then there is no reason for them to exist in real life just to feature in classical fantasy and I'd personally find a unicorn or troll more entertaining in the flesh.

So there we have it: Swans - avoid!