Why Still Blog?

Well, it looks like I managed to do it: I've kept up this blog for a whole year! Over that time, I've read quite a few books (seemingly, lots of biographies by comedians), I've got into Jazz music in quite a big way (and can't understand how I never heard Charles Mingus before), a whole series of Doctor Who has been and gone, I've watched a few films, been bothered by driving, the World Cup happened and somewhere along the line we found ourselves with a new government and I found myself with a new job. The year seems to have flown past and yet I actually seem to have done more than I imagined.

So, is a blog a worthwhile exercise? When I started this I thought I'd try to do two entries per week and I do seem to have kept up with that. Keeping a blog can certainly be time consuming - and time is a commodity I find increasingly in short supply. I've also found that on occasion I've struggled to find something worthwhile to write about and yet on other occasions I've had more ideas than I knew what to do with. However, it's interesting to read through old entries to see what I was thinking at the time and I can see why many become addicted to their diary keeping. The trick is to keep it up - even if that does involve forcing ones fingers to the keyboard every so often. So maybe I won't write entries as often but I'll certainly keep going.

So here's to the last year and looking forward to 2011 - which, no doubt, I will start with a crippling hangover as ever!

Christmas at Home

Everyone has their own Christmas rituals although in our house, as this tends to be a mix of British and German traditions, it is probably fairly unique - although the British traditions are really just a muddled up version of the German ones (thanks to Prince Albert) with a good dollop of Americana in the mix (thanks to the telly).

One of the differences is that Santa delivers the presents in person on the evening of the 24th. In the past, this has tended to be a family friend (and Raymond never caught on to the fact that Santa would speak in German or Scots depending on where we were at the time) although in the last couple of years it has tended to be me in a Santa outfit and a suitably bass voice - probably resembling the grim reaper more than Saint Nick. As the Santa outfit was packed away somewhere and, irritatingly, I seem to have more of the physique for it these days, I decided that Santa would be involved in a road traffic accident and phone his apologies through to the kids.

Now this must make me sound like a right Ebenezer Scrooge type character and, in all fairness, you would probably be right. In fact, Scrooge is one of those literary characters I really find myself identifying with although not so much from the miserly miserablism but more from his Christmas redemption. I get the same every year. I really can't be bothered with the whole commercial thing, the excess of food, queuing up in the supermarket for a hellish hour at the checkout because the shops are going to be closed for a whole 24 hours and the sheer crapulence of an over-indulged Christmas evening. But, like Scrooge, once the real spirit of Christmas is upon me I do tend to enjoy it - possibly for no other reason than there is enough decent family entertainment for us all to watch together.

There was a good selection on the TV with the orphaned Christmas Top Of The Pops, a Shrek film and the now traditional Doctor Who special, A Christmas Carol, loosely based on Dickins' novella. Dickens' story and Doctor Who do have quite a bit in common as they both involve time travel and the latest incarnation of the Doctor seems to take great delight in messing about with the forth dimension - this is something that the show has tended to shy away from in the past. Of course, it's always difficult to pitch a Christmas Special as there will inevitably be quite a few people watching the show who are not regular viewers so using one of the best known stories in English literature as a basis is a pretty smart move. I think it worked well. It was always going to be more of a fantasy rather then Sci-Fi story but it functioned within it's confines and did, at least, feel "special". We then had Edward Sissorhands on Channel 4 which seemed remarkably in the same vein.

Of course, Christmas does mean that there will be plenty of food and we definitely went for the German side with this by having Goose, Rotkohl and Knödel. All very nice and an improvement on turkey and Brussels sprouts (tasteless dry meat and fart grenades as Michael McIntyre calls them). To top this off we even managed to have two German women arguing in the kitchen whilst pointing large knives at each other. Oh the joys!

So that was Christmas in the Maxwell household. Only 364 shopping days to go. Humbug!

A Christmas Tale

It's very difficult to convince children that, once upon a time, a piece of fruit, some sweeties, a shiny new coin and, maybe, a small wooden toy was all that children of my parents' generation could expect to find in their Christmas stocking on a cold December morning - and that was if they were lucky. In fact, there is one story from my Great Aunt Elsie that brings home the harsh realities of working class family life. She died in 2006 in her 101st year so I am guessing that this tale of woe originates from around 1910. Anyway, she never quite thought of Father Christmas the same again...

When Elsie was 5 or 6 years old there were two beautiful but expensive dolls in the local shop's window. She and her older sister fell for them immediately and asked their father if Father Christmas might give them the dolls for Christmas. He was only a tradesman and didn't have much spare money so asked the shopkeeper if he could reserve the dolls and pay instalments until he had the full amount saved up. The shopkeeper agreed and he made regular payments each week until he had almost paid the entire amount.

Unfortunately, the week before Christmas he lost his job and had no option but to cancel the order for the dolls and to spend the money on rent, groceries and fuel until he could find another job. He didn't know what to tell the girls and fretted about this until Christmas Day.

On Christmas morning he came downstairs to find the two girls in tears. He thought that they were disappointed about not getting the dolls until he saw that the family dog was lying dead in front of the fireplace. He thought quickly and then found an explanation...

He told them Father Christmas did it!

Highway Robbers

I'm actually rather used to the concept of being fleeced by motorway service stations. For that reason I tend only to use them for the car park and the toilets. For the most part, I just find them very expensive but, having actually bought something from one today, I think they are actually trying to kill people.

I've had lots of hassles with windscreen washer fluid lately. Once upon a time, it was possible to buy a bottle of "concentrate" which could be diluted down with water to create a washer fluid that would be protected from freezing down to the desired temperature. Now, the shops selling washer fluid have cottoned on to the fact that the profit margin is much higher if they are selling, for the most part, water. Increasingly, I am finding that the lowest undiluted temperature that washer fluid will work at "undiluted" is -5C. This equates to just 10% ethanol (or similar) to 90% water. This is all well and good but, when I regularly experience temperatures lower than this, it's about as much use as a chocolate teapot (just in reverse).

In fact, it is possible to use the -5C solution in lower temperatures as long as the washer jets are given a regular squirt lest they ice up. Of course, this does mean that you go through washer fluid at a rate of knots. Today I was travelling back up home to Scotland when I ran out of washer. Needless to say, I didn't fancy driving all the way home blinded so I stopped at the service station and spent a shocking £7 for a bottle of their ready mixed "winter wash". I felt somewhat ripped off by this but I wanted to get home and went along with it. To make sure the jets didn't freeze over, once I rejoined the motorway I gave the washers a quick squirt. To my horror, the "winter wash" instantly turned to ice on my windscreen.

What I appear to have bought for my £7 is just blue soapy water. Now, had this been in the West Country I could have just written this off as straight forward highway robbery but this was in Scotland and resulted in me making an emergency stop on the motorway hard shoulder to scrape my screen clean. I've heard of "unfit for purpose" but this is actually plain dangerous and nowhere on the bottle does it actually say what the freezing point is.

I really think something should be done about this but, in the meantime, I have found a solution. I've enhanced the washer solution with a bottle of meths.

Swans

Have you ever wondered what swan tastes like? I must admit, it's not something I've ever seen on sale at the local supermarket (unless LIDL have had it in as a special) but it is something I've considered purely on the basis that I have never been able to work out the point of swans. Just like nettles and midges, they are one of those species of living things that I am normally quite happy to be graced by their absence. If one ever gets anywhere near me they just take the chance to hiss, attack me and generally be obnoxious.

So, let's get this right. Swans are bastards. Some people go fawning over them as if they are some great majestic beast but, if I go to feed the birds at the local pond, swans are the last thing I want to see. I don't mind any of the other birds. I like ducks. Ducks are happy amusing creatures with a class A sarcastic laugh if anyone falls in the water. I can even tolerate the occasional pigeon or seagull which seem to cause vexing to many others. But swans are just bad-tempered, hulking, great, evil-minded beasts of the highest order.

So why are swans so lauded? Some say they are beautiful but this is also said of super-models. As far as I can tell they are both peculiar looking elongated birds of dubious mental capacity. They seem to be a common feature of popular culture. The Ugly Duckling is a fine example but then I suppose most of Hans Christian Andersen's stories have a miserable ending. They are a major feature of Tchaikovsky's Swan Lake which is some justification, but then there is no reason for them to exist in real life just to feature in classical fantasy and I'd personally find a unicorn or troll more entertaining in the flesh.

So there we have it: Swans - avoid!

Emoticons

I found another great quotation from Oscar Wilde:

Quotation is a serviceable substitute for wit

Except I've amended it slightly. Did you see what I did? Yes, I added a smiley, because in this great information age of the Internet NO-ONE GETS BLOODY IRONY! When did this happen? From the great Wilde; through Mark Twain, Virginia Woolf, PG Wodehouse and even to modern writers like Terry Pratchett, I've never seen them have to add an emoticon to get their meaning across and yet, once on the internet, everyone seems to need canned laughter to get the joke.

I've had some great ones lately. I received an emailed response of "Are you serious?" when I suggested that if we get snowed into the office we could eat the managers as no-one would notice the difference. I had howls of protest from a mad cat woman after I suggested that her plan to use environmentally approved earth in her cat's litter tray would be a great way of encouraging it to crap in her neighbour's garden. I even received a quizzical response from a right wing Euro-sceptic after I pointed out that they must be glad Gordon Brown kept us out of the Euro lest our economy be wrecked.

I appreciate a good facetious comment and yet it appears that if they are used by a politician, public figure or even a comedian (I see Frankie Boyle is in trouble again) it is enough to end a career. Well, I've had enough. I'm not going to start using emoticons - the rest of the world can get a sense of humour.

Weather or Not

"Oh blame it on the weatherman!" as Irish all-girl pop combo B*witched once sang. That might have been the refrain from the Scottish Transport Minister on Monday following the entire country going to Hell when it snowed. In fact, he apologised for the mess and took responsibility - which makes for a refreshing change from a politician. It appears that they took their advice from the wrong weathermen; although the BBC did forecast snow - just not as much as materialised.

I've always said that I regard the weather forecast with the same snide distain that I reserve for the astrology columns. In fact, this isn't quite true. The main amusement factor of astrology is the fact that one twelfth of the population will have the same vague nonsense happen to them. It's easy to poke fun at and, if you read some papers' "stars", you will find that the people writing them are taking the piss as well.

The thing with meteorology is that it is based on good solid science and they are very good at telling you exactly why the past day's weather happened but, as a predictive science, it suffers from the same hit and miss chance of any chaotic system - and the further ahead it gets, the worse it is at predicting things. What happened on Monday is that the line between a sleety shower, a fine dusting of snow and a full blown blizzard is a very fine one. In terms of coping with this, it would seem to be a good idea to plan for the worst but I can imagine that many people would get fed up very quickly if the police told everyone to stay at home at all cost and then have two or three snowflakes to show for their effort.

Apart from complaining that our politicians and council services should be able to counteract nature in some sort of Canute like act, the other thing I have heard people muttering is "Whatever happened to global warming" in the kind of Daily Mail reading smugness that deserves a solid punch on the nose. By this, they mean climate change and, if they had ever bothered to read up on the subject (which is both fascinating and densely complex), they would have found out that crappy cold Winters for the UK is EXACTLY the sort of thing their climate models have been predicting. Of course, one set of weather doesn't make a climate but it's not exactly unexpected either.

I suppose the lesson is: if you are a scientist, you can't win.

It Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time...

Back in the beginning of November I bought some Winter Tyres for my Yaris. It was one of those things that seemed like a good idea at the time. I was very happy with how they improved the car's handling and, if we did get heavy snow, I would be well prepared for it. Now we have had heavy snow and I can make some sort of comparison as to how they actually behave on ice and snow. According to Continental:

Winter tyres are made from specially developed compound with more natural rubber so they don’t harden when it’s cold, which means increased grip on the road and greater safety

and

The innovative honeycomb structure of this tyre creates more gripping edges for outstanding traction on snow and excellent cornering performance!

There's not really much real technical detail there and I have been trying to fathom the laws pf physics that actually enable these things to work. I have come to the conclusion that they actually work by Voodoo. It's really quite surreal that what looks like a treacherous piece of snow covered road can be traversed as if it is just some slightly bumpy bit of dirt track - to be honest, I don't entirely trust it but it's rather satisfying to be able to drive around quite normally whilst everyone else is messing around with snow shovels and shoves to the rear to get moving.

In fact, I was so impressed with the tyres' performance in cool dry conditions that I bought a set for my wife's car. I had pre-ordered them for the 1st December so I could stick them on to next month's credit card bill - not the brightest of ideas as it turned out - but it did give me opportunity to do a direct comparison between one of ADAC's most highly recommended Summer tyres with their most highly recommended Winter tyres. In fact, it's hard to compare them in the snow because the Winter tyres worked and the Summer ones didn't. Once on to cleared road the Summer Tyres (Michelin Primacy HPs) actually worked reasonably well, particularly when warmed up, but it is still noticeable how much better the Winter Tyres handle in less extreme conditions. Also, if anything, the Winter Tyres felt smoother and quieter - they have come a long way from the knobbly Nordic tyres that I've used in the past.

I think anyone who isn't sold on the concept of seasonal tyres really needs to experience them first hand to realise that the difference is huge. Some credit has to go to Kwik Fit for making the effort of promoting these but it's rather nice that one of my whims that "seemed like a good idea at the time" actually was.

Here's one I made earlier...

When winter arrives it's always best to follow that old Scout motto and "Be prepared", whether this is bags of grit, ice scrapers for the car or snow shovels, by the time cold weather arrives it's too late - all the shops will rapidly sell out. Heavy snow has arrived particularly early this year and, whilst I had sorted most things, one thing I hadn't bought was a sledge for the kids. All the shops have sold out - even though what seems to pass for a sledge is actually a cheap bit of plastic. Anyway, ever the enterprising one, I looked online and found this article in the times from a couple of years ago How to build a super sledge.

They reckon on a cost of £15 to build it and the instructions are actually quite straight forward - they are definitely aimed at the IKEA novice rather than the skilled craftsman. However, I was wondering whether it was possible to do this for significantly less. Whenever I do some sort of DIYery I end up with odd bits left over - the odd plank of wood here, a bag of screws there - and I inevitably build up an array of tools. So, could I build this with the junk in my shed?

First of all the materials:

2 x 1.8 metre lengths 144 x 28mm pine. I had some barge-boards left over from doing a repair to the shed a few years ago. They are a little tatty but, handily, they are already weather treated.

2 x approximately 380mm length 50mm x 25mm pine. I have no idea what it was bought for but I do have a suitable length.

1 x 2metre strip of aluminium 20mm x 2mm. Would an old curtain rail suffice?

1 x 1.5 metre strong, brightly coloured rope. ...or an old pair of boot laces?

24 x 5mm x 80mm countersunk screws. Various with slot and philips heads.

48 x 5mm x 25mm countersunk screws. All sorts - well we'll see.

Cutting the wood was actually a doddle. Whoever wrote the article is as much of a botcher as I am and it's all rather nicely in terms of "cut a big piece of wood into equal pieces" rather than precision measuring. They have also used metric measures which make the sums that much easier. The only thing I didn't quite manage to complete was the aluminium rail. I think this is more for protection as it slides along quite nicely on its own. I'll have to see if I can find something more suitable.

I did notice that this chap has given it a go. It looks a bit posher than mine but then I did achieve this for a grand cost of nothing. Now I'll just have to shove one of the kids down a hill on the contraption to try it out. If it goes well I might be tempted to varnish it up.