Blinking Madness

There used to be a joke that amongst the long list of optional extras when purchasing a BMW automobile was the checkbox “indicators”. It is a rather old stereotype of the arrogant arseholes that used to buy such vehicles as I think there has been something of a change in the demographics of BMW drivers in the last few years. In fact, I often find they are amongst the more courteous of drivers. The arrogant arseholes now all seem to buy Audis.

I’ve hears a few theories of why some people don’t use indicators when driving. I think there is a high level of incompetence amongst many and there is a certain arrogance with some as they suddenly do find the indicator stalk when they end up in the wrong lane and are relying on the good will of others to let them in. I’ve also heard the ostrich mentality of those who don’t think it is appropriate to indicate unless they can see another road user. This could account for the times I’ve had Audi drivers almost running me over at junctions and roundabouts. Fortunately, just because they can’t see me doesn’t mean I can’t see them. I have also been told that many people don’t indicate because they can’t hold a steering wheel and a mobile phone at the same time as flicking the lever and I suspect there is an element of truth in that.

There are far too many clueless people in road vehicles for my liking but what has made things worse in the last few years is not the people driving the cars but the people making them. I can’t quite pinpoint when it started but increasingly cars are being made with indicators that are, to all intents and purposes, invisible. At one time, the indicators on cars were obvious: big amber flashy things at each corner and one stuck on each wing for good measure. Then the car designers got involved and started moving the lights to places where they wouldn’t be expected: rear indicators hidden inside the brake light; front indicators on the inside of the light cluster right next to the headlights; side indicators buried in the wing mirrors.

If it wasn’t bad enough that the indicators where stuck in stupid places, the designers then set about making them as small as humanly possible, and then the brightness of them seems to have been reduced just at the same time that they are starting to compete with daytime running lights. I saw a Mercedes car seemingly change direction without warning this week until I realised that he genuinely was indicating – it’s just that the insipid line of amber LEDs were completely invisible in the sunlight (which admittedly is a rare occurrence around here). The only time one is guaranteed to see all the amber lights flashing is when they are used as mitigation for parking on double yellow lines.

I’m just curious as to what is promoting this outbreak of crap design. There is a tendency for one manufacturer to include a completely useless feature on their products only for all the others to follow suit as otherwise their products will not be able to tick the same boxes of useless widgetary on their specifications sheet. Just think about washing machines. We have a fairly basic model but, in total, there are over 4,000 possible combinations of settings of which we have used about 3. Nobody needs this rubbish and yet the manufacturer feels obliged to include these excess features which serve no purpose other than to eventually go wrong, either resulting in a costly repair or a replacement purchase.

Now car manufacturers have managed to force all end of useless tat on their customers over the years but the sneaking conspiracy theorist in me is wondering if there is a more sinister reason for this. Whilst a broken “mixed synthetics with 800rpm spin, eco-mode, aqua-plus, delayed for 45 minutes” on a washing machine is a damn nuisance, a rear-ended car because someone couldn’t make out a left-turn signal could result in a new car and possibly some argument that all new cars are fitted with radar-activated collision avoidance systems and possibly even driverless capability to overcome the fact that mere humans can no longer operate their useless contraptions. Hmmm… I bet they faked the Moon landings as well…