Klopp of the Kop

I think you can tell how tedious English football has become when the most exciting thing to happen is that a German coach takes over at one of the clubs. Actually, I’m quite a fan of Jürgen Klopp and his time at Borussia Dortmund certainly brightened up the Bundesliga for a few years until money restored the monotony. There have been quite a few Kloppisms in the paper as well as much discussion of Gegenpressing: essentially high-tempo, counter-attacking football as opposed to the standard diving in the penalty area that makes much of modern football unwatchable.

I think Klopp should do quite well at Liverpool – if they don’t win anything they should at least have a good laugh trying. He also has pretty good English which is an advantage given that much of his team will speak it as a second language. However, I wonder if anyone has actually pointed out to Jürgen that this also applies to the majority of the fans. It’s a quite few years since I lived in the Liverpool area and even more since this book was written but it might be a good starting point for Herr Klopp:

In fact the Liverpool accent is rather unlike anything else found in Britain, originating in North-West England but combining both lyrical Irish intonation with a bucket of Welsh phlegm. However there are some elements of the local dialect that anyone hoping to live and work in the city would find useful. Here are a few:

Scouse: This is the accent of native Liverpudlians and is also the name of a cheaply made stew consisting of a small amount of leftover meat along with root vegetables that have been boiled to buggery (at least that is how my mother made it). Confusingly, these both derive from the German Labskaus, a culinary specialty from Hamburg. Scousers were originally the people, often sailors and their families, who subsisted on this.

Togga: A game of football. I’m not sure if this is still in regular use and, as far as I can recall, used to refer more to informal street football games.

Casey: This is what a standard association football is called, originating from the time that such an item would be made from a “case” of leather surrounding an inflated bladder. Such an item was once a prized possession and the keeper of the casey would therefore have first pick when it came to a game of 28-a-side togga.

Onion Patch: A derogatory term used by Evertonians to describe the pitch at Anfield. In fact, prior to the introduction of under soil heating they probably had a point. In mid-January the pitch would resemble something closer to the Flanders Christmas armistice than a top flight football match.

Ead the ball: Although this sounds as if this should be a footballing term it is actually used to describe someone who is psychotically deranged.

The Ozzy: Leeds United have been out of top flight football for a number of years however there is still the possibility that a particularly meaty tackle may result in Mr Klopp having to visit his players in “The Ozzy”. In fact if he checks out his squad list he will probably find that most of them are already there.

Bins: As Jürgen wears spectacles it is worth remembering that these are locally known as “bins” (possibly from binoculars?) I used to have perfunctory  NHS spectacles similar to Klopps that were known locally as “spazzy ‘ealths” due to the belief that myopia was caused by cerebral palsy. I’m hoping that phrase has since died a death as opinions do now appear more enlightened. At the time I was so mortified that my optician convinced me that wearing round, metal framed “granny glasses” would make me look like a rock star such as John Lennon. This worked for 6 months and then some bastard shot him.

Clobber: Ones clothes. This may also consist of “Kecks” (trousers) “Gruns” (underwear) and also “Trainees” or “Trabs” (footwear) but despite what Harry Enfield’s “Scousers” sketch may have implied, shell suits are not mandatory.

La: A friend or compatriot.

Made up / Sound / Boss: These are all various phrases to indicate that a scouse person is in a state of contentment. Such phrases may be heard when one’s football team have performed particularly well.

Getting a cob on: This will describe a Liverpudlian who is not in a state of contentment: It is not “boss”, certainly not “sound” and the antithesis of “made up”.

Scally: A local ne’er-do-well.

Kirby Kiss: A head-butt – the favoured formal greeting of the scally.

Berst: Another pugnacious term, loosely meaning to administer a beating (“Ah’ll berst yous”)

Bizzies: The local constabulary – charged with keeping the local scally population under control.

Twirlies: Old age pensioners - supposedly derived from bus-pass wielding OAPs enquiring of the bus driver as to whether the non-peak service had begun with the phrase, “Ama tw’early?”

Antwacky: Again, I’m not sure if this is still in regular usage but is used to describe an item that is old-fashioned, redundant or otherwise past its sell-by date. Such items will usually be littering the homes of Twirlies and, no doubt, the trophy cabinets of the city’s football clubs.

Butties: a packed lunch. The mid-day meal is always referred to as “Dinner”. The evening meal is “Tea”.

Yewoh?:  A scouse expression commonly used by the hard of hearing and translating loosely as “Excuse me?”, “I beg your pardon?” or “Could you please repeat that?”

Like: This is used in scouse as a form of punctuation, similar to a period, full-stop etc.

Anyway, language issues aside, I suspect Jürgen Klopp will enjoy his time in Liverpool. It is a lively vibrant city with friendly locals and a trusting nature. In fact it is not that uncommon for people to leave their doors unlocked at night which is quite surprising given the city’s reputation for being in close proximity to Manchester.