The Office Party

I enjoy Christmas. I didn’t at one time but at some point I seem to have had an Ebenezer Scrooge type transformation from curmudgeonly, miserable bastard into someone who really likes the whole spirit of the thing. I think it’s because it comes right at the end of the year during the shortest, darkest days and is something to look forward to – along with an excuse for various forms of excess and general merrymaking. However, there is one element which I try my best to avoid, and it is the total humbuggery of the office party.

Over the years I’ve worked at a few places and the office party seems to fall into two categories – the freebee night out at the managers’ expense (generally experienced in the private sector) and the begrudgingly given two hours off to attend an overpriced, undercooked dinner at a local hostelry at one’s own expense. The latter is a particular favourite of the Civil Service and is something I avoided like the plague. Essentially this involves being crammed into a low rent eatery and serviced minute portions of something that may at a push be described as “Christmas lunch” but featuring minute slithers of cold turkey mixed with vegetables that have been boiled and bleached out of all recognition. For this “privilege” one is charged in the region of £25.

Such was my dislike for the corporate Christmas lunch that I conspired with fellow workers in Glasgow to establish an alternative revelry which involved going down to the blood donation centre and allowing them to suck out a pint of A+. At least with this tradition we didn’t have to have the horrible spectre of organised fun thrust upon us and it didn’t cost us £25. Also the Tunnock’s tea cake and cup of coffee was far more welcome than the cold meat and soggy Brussels sprouts.

I now work back in the private sector but I still don’t do a Christmas party. We are allocated a very generous £15 to put towards the cost of a festive meal but as the rest of my colleagues are spread around the four corners of Scotland we don’t have the option of meeting up. In the past we have just let this go - the company are welcome to keep the money provided we don’t have corporate hospitality inflicted upon us. However, this year someone had the bright idea of asking whether those who couldn’t (or wouldn’t) attend a Christmas meal could donate their money to charity. I don’t know why anyone hadn’t thought of this before and there has been no shortage of takers. In fact, at the last count the Macmillan Nurses should be better of by around £4,000 in January – and we can enjoy our festival of overindulgence in peace.